The Chaos

And everyone was confused to where they will put me. I applied for Masters in Science in Public Health major in Epidemiology, with my technical background and the nature of my job epidemiology was the best fit for me, but wait according to my entrance examination I am best suited to take higher medical specialties. So the so called "MD-PhD's" and "MD-Dr.Phil's" , "RN-PhD's" and "RN-Dr.Phil's" started to debate where to place me. Obviously they can't place me in Masters in the Science of Nursing (MSN) and worse Masters in the Arts of Nursing (MAN), I would wreak more havoc in these graduate specialties, and so they cut down on the graduate studies which mostly are dedicated for MD license holders. Obviously I can't be placed in Masters in Internal Medicine, I don't have the surgical subject background to slice a man open, I can be placed in Masters in the Science of Health Education but according to the nature of my job I don't do teaching, I can be placed in Health Facility Management but I am not working in a hospital setting, I can be placed in Asian Health Practices but I again I am not familiar with the herbology and all those alternative medicine like acupressure and worse wait until you experience my acupuncture style because it will really justify the word "PUNCTURE", ah the final verdict: Tropical Medicine, but again I am not an MD, this is a specialization. Public Health major in Epidemiology, okay they discussed it already that I am out of that course.

My entrance exam tells them that I am suited for any medical specialty course, but what kind of specialty? What is that nesting place that will best suite me as a person and as a professional?I sat there and smiled and ponder on the chaos that I caused, the headache that I brought to these poor post graduate nurses and doctors, they must need to take the pill after the evaluation process.

So I broke the history of medical science as the only engineer who jumped over to this part of the scientific world, I said to myself, hey why not? Wait until they know my history they will be shocked!

Meddling the with the Neighbor

I am the only non-health professional in my graduate course, and my classmates are all doctors. While they have a suffix MD after their surname, I on the other hand got a prefix Engr. before my name. Everyone was looking at me like I am a "Transcended Genius", a man who came from such a very technical field full of calculus, mathematical logic and all those gruesome "y=axtb" or "log (e^y+x=x^y+e^x)" kind of languages and then all of a sudden jumped to a specialized field of "bubonic plaque is caused by Yesernia pestis" or "Diarrhea is a bodily defensive mechanism that is supposed to expel germs from the intestine" kind of logic.

But whats the difference? If they are doctors then I am an engineer. I mean, we stand equal, I made the drugs and they prescribed it. Would it not also be fair if those who made it also has the right to prescribed it? We know the medicine better up to the molecular level, they are just limited to the macroscopic level. But then they look to me as if I am an alien life form, smart yet inferior. Something to be scared about, something to be intimidated with and something to hate. The program coordinator, who acts like his the king of the world entertains me with less enthusiasm (his and RN and a PhD) compared to one of the faculty who is a MD, MPSH, MPH, MSTM and PhD, he hovers around me like I am a very rare specimen in a zoology subject. I love to keep a very low profile to the faculty, I don't want them to know who I am linked with.

I am still paranoid with parasitology and this thing called Patho-Physiology, sounds so alien to me than Katy Perry's music video's E.T., Anyway this can be a new frontier in my life and to whatever be the outcome of this track I am heading all I can say is:

"Okay Here Goes Nothing!"

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I just realize I am the best failure ever born in this planet. My loss outnumbered my victory, I look around me, I ponder at my past and I keep asking myself if things happen for a purpose, then why are these things happening to me? the hardest part is looking for the explanation why it happened. I have lost so many good people, I have betrayed so many loved ones, I have made people turned their backs on me because of my stupid decisions. What is there for me in the future?WHAT?! I NEED ANSWERS! People say the answer lies within me but all I can say is "I DON'T KNOW! I UTTERLY DON'T KNOW!"

Yes, my life is running in circles now, the cycle seems to happen: I started as a nobody that sleeps and eats at the corner of the street picks a fight with the other hoodlooms from the other hood, roam around aimlessly, then people start to see my potential, they develop me send me to other places to help, then I think I got everything, fall in love, falls out of love, betray the person I love then here I am again back to a nobody....and the cycle goes on and on and on...I really hate it when I am angry, I make so many stupid mistakes....decisions I will soon regret...

I guess I am no master of my own life, and I am still a hard headed person...I refuse to learn the lessons from my mistake....Loneliness and boredom have become my companion now, I feel empty most of the time, there is nothing to look forward to the next day, no spark in the eyes, the sun seems to shine normally, the clouds pass by without magic...life has become empty again, I think silence is embracing me, and how painful life can be.... only the person who have experience loneliness can feel the nostalgic melancholy of the simple things life can bring....

I realized how valuable people are only when they have left you, I realize how important human relationships are only when you are deprived of it, I realized that laughter is more than laughter but an expression of gratitude, smile is more than a gesture of acceptance and appreciation and the human touch is more than intimacy....

Sometimes, I think, I would be grateful if I never wake up in my sleep and stay in my dreams for the rest of my life....I just got a good sleep for 2 straight days..and I dreamed of a place, a warm lovely place, like heaven, I a meadow full of brown wheat, a farmyard and a snow capped mountain, I saw a spring, birds and farm animals, I hear children's laughter, I feel happy,it was heaven....then I woke up and back to reality and I said:

"FUCK, WHERE AM I?"

~Strapped in a hospital bed.....................