I am Hero!

They say that being a Filipino is the pride of the Malay race. But what the world do not know that there is a race in the Philippines who takes more pride. When the Portuguese conquestador by the name of Ferdinan Magallanes stepped ashore the sea of Central Philippines, he saw men, women and children with tattooed skins. To them these people are criminals, "Pintados", the art on our skins where the Spaniards interpreted it as a sign of our savagery, but to the other Philippine races we are the Pintados, the bravest of all kind. Our Gods and Goddesses, which we call "Laon" have created us to guard the central and southern seas of the archipelago. For a Sugbuanon, being a Pintado is of the ranks with the highest honor and the burden of the greatest of all responsibilities: To guard our shores from invasion and to resist any form of conquest from people who sailed from unknown lands. To protect the people that we love, to stand wise and bold midst the cruel passage of time. To step behind one's personal dreams for the benefit of the people around him.

When the conquestador claimed the island of Cebu as under the territory of Spain, the leader of our forefathers by the name of Lapu-lapu, a descendant of the brave Tausug stood up and resisted.

For a Sugbuanon, bravery is not only a principle but a daily attribute, to us being in a battle, be it fighting an enemy, the time or oneself, bravery is the action of moving forward even when the chances of success are murky, as long as it is a battle worth fighting. The Spaniards have underestimated us, the Sugbuanons, the Pride of the Filipino race, so the leader of our forefather Datu Lapu-lapu, stood on our shore and waited for the enemy. The conquestadors sees us as savage and primitive, they look past upon the wisdom that we learn from the passage of time. They have under estimated the strengths that we have acquired under the scourge of the shining sun, and the seasonal drought of time. For a Sugbuanon, violence is not a solution but when provoked, we are the fiercest of all warriors, ready to die in war for the sake of our people.
The Spaniards came in with arrogance and pride, with guns and cannons, of gun powdered filled warships full of men ready to steal our treasure, full of men who have raped out women and children. But we the Sugbuanons came in with our Kampilan and Kalasags, with warriors of bolos and arrows. We may be disadvantage in this war, but for us in our tribe dancing with death is but a common play, war for us is a simple graceful dance and blood shed is merely part of the concert. For a Sugbuanon, to endure any challenges is the measure of courage, to stand amid the frailty and fear is the measure of bravery, for a Sugbuanon the heart that loves and protect is greater than a mind that thinks. And at the end of the battle, the Spaniards have failed, Ferdinan Magallanes was slain and the battle ships were burned and swallowed by our seas, all except for the Battle ship by the name of Victoria who sailed back to the western shore to tell the feat of our tribe and the failure of their Spanish men.
So from then on Lapu Lapu's statue stand guard on our shores assuring us that when a new conquestador , be it in the form of person, challenges or time, will come his children will stood up again to face the fight. Because for a Sugbuanon under the ranks of a Pintado: "The greatest honor is to protect and to die for the people whom we dearly love." I take pride to come from this race, the Pride of the Filipino race, the first heroes of land, the real Pride of the Malay race....

for me, like my forefather who have died in battle....war is but a graceful dance with death....."NEVER RETREAT! NEVER SURRENDER!"

Hey Daydreamer!

In my room I always think of somethings to divert my attention away from my past, something that well lessen the anguish and replace the anger with understanding. I am searching for that wisdom; that inner peace that will make me understand that things that are not meant for me at the present will come in at the right time, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not soon but at the right time. I am looking for that wisdom that will teach me I should not demand from life the things that I want but the things that I need. I am searching for that inner wheel that will fuel my understanding that I should not fall in love because I am lonely but I should fall in love because I am ready to commit. I was taken to a temple by a new acquaintance of mine to tame my bewildered soul. "There is something inside you that is bothering you, you must let it go." She said.

The monk who came to me was old and wrinkled, and I can't even figure out how he managed to walk. When he took my hand, I can feel the wisdom on the surface of his aging skin, he smiled to me and asked me what am I doing here, I said I have no idea. He turned to my new friend and asked her why...after a long talk with him, the old monk looked at me, and guided me to a room. There we sat on the floor and he offered me tea (which was "HOLY MOSES!" I cant understand the taste!). We talked and there he made me realize, that reality has its right time. He understood the pain inside me, He made me list down the things in my heart and contemplate on them, so I did so what he told me to do:

1."Why can't we be together?"

2."I am afraid to let go, will that person think of the same to?"

3."Was I ever loved?"

4."How will I mend the pain inside?"

5."Why is life so cruel?I can surrender anything but why am I not given the chance?"

And as I contemplate on them, small pictures where running in my mind. Pictures of my dreams about us, I was day dreaming (again) and my hopes are again up high that somehow we will meet along the road, that we will still end up meeting each other in this long journey, I smiled blankly in the air. A few seconds later......WAAAAAPPPAAAAAK I felt an intense pain behind my head, the monk hit me.."Wake Up!" he said...that is why your heart is in pain because your soul is attached to what is not yet ripe." I rolled my eyeballs, okay so it does but do I deserve the wack on my head? To heal my soul, he said....I need to heal it the way that only I can do...from there he made me realize that I am in pain, he made me realize that the most agonizing pain are those that are kept inside. So to release the pain, he made me sing.

and sing some more.....

But you know if I have the chance to tell you what's in my day dream? Both of us are talking whole day, we walk down the sunny hill and sit on the bridge and watch the river run. Both of us in my fantasy where laughing...under the rainy sky...playing under the drops of the rain..and in the night...we set under the waxing of the moon, pointing at the stars we wished to own...but then again, this is just my make believe reality...someone should make me realize that your just someone in my mind, your not real and in this lifetime, you will never be real....what more can I say but:

My Sweet Sweet Baby

I am still dreaming of my fairy tale stories, of holding hands running on the flowered spring meadows with you, wrapping you around my arms on the mountain tops watching the night skies as the heaven sparkle down on us, making love to you under the full moon sky and sleeping with you naked under the bed sheets as the snow slowly covers the ice cold air, but here I am....in a far away distance...wishing I have wings to fly to you.

I still am dreaming of walking with you under the bright sun, as I watch the rays glow on your skin, I still dream of sitting down on the bridge with you, eating "mo mo's" (dumplings). I still dream of wanting to make you laugh with my silly jokes.

But here I am lost in the busy and buzzling streets of an unknown land, finding my way back to you. Like a lost puppy, searching up and down, looking for your warm touch.

Sometimes, I feel guilty, of leaving you behind me. Sometimes I feel angry because of this distance between us, sometimes I feel sad because I can't be there with you. Sometimes....sometimes....I miss you so much like how I miss the spicy taste of emadatchi [what the hell (O_O)!].

Sometimes, I pretend to faint here and there, hoping you will come to catch my fall..but unfortunately all I got is pain all over my body.....maybe this new mental disorder is what poets called:"I miss you so much, love"....

Sweet....Sweet.....Sweet..baby...I miss your loving....

Treasures

Not all treasure glitters like gold, and for a person like me who suffers periodic boredom and melancholy. I need to be busy most of the times. Okay I got myself into graduate school, though I am not the best in my class all I can say is I am the toughest, I still got knuckles that can break hard wood you know and K.O. any stupid MD student to fool around with me..and the tongue as long as Gene Simmons (see photo to prove that!)....

Aside from fooling around, I count me treasures. But unlike the loot and bounty that those pirates are looking for, my treasure is not of the "glimmering" kind, some looks pretty awesome..some looks fat..(and ugly when you see them in the first break of day light), while other just love to pick their noses with me in public (yeah I know, cool huh? Wait tell you see us placing that finger inside our mouths).

Like the pirates of Old, I travel to different lands to look for treasures, and indeed I have found a handful, and all of them are priceless. Some of the treasures I have captured with me, some are just kept hidden in my treasure box where only I can locate. People tend to become lonely, and the purpose of their lives become absurd. People become bored and they think that life has become a routine, people become bitter because they do not have anything to share to someone. That is why for me, I am lucky to have the brightest stars in this part of the continent. My treasures sparkle more than the brightest of the stars. They keep me sane in my times of greatest madness, and they make me insane in my times of uttered seriousness.

Yes, treasures can tantalize you. gold can tempt you, it can unleash the greatest greed in your life. And I should be honest, my treasures have transformed me into a greedy beast and hunger for memories that I can tell the future generation. They have transformed me to become thirsty for adventure about what lies beyond the boundaries of human capacity.

In this lonely planet, all of us are in a journey, we are in the progress of finding our nesting place. We are travelling to find our niche, to look for that place where we can say "home" and I know you are looking for that place too, that place that you can say you belong. But as for me, I may have not reached that paradise, and I may never reach it, but my treasures showed me that even though the course of my journey is not as what I expect it to be, they can assure me that when I turn me head back I left a trail leading to that treasure box to where I hide them.

Lonely Nights

I heard you ask a common friend of how am I? Well here I am still me, the poet, the writer, the thinking person less the "you", I can still manage to smile, thanks to some people who makes me smile and there out of this world jokes....but....

When you said goodbye and told me everyone, including me, are just temporary and will just pass you by was the day you won the game and the night I know you spoke the words "checked mate" on me. I sometimes feel I am so wasted, I keep thinking of those nights I spent with you, the laughs that we have, the games that we played, the music that we both listen together and even the songs that we sung.

I miss the strums of my guitar, where I used to play the tune for you. You are a very strong person I guess, you know when to let go and when to hold on but someone like me who cherish every memories shared, and treasure all the time spent.....I am sorry I can't...its too difficult to forget...and most of all its too difficult for me to forgive, to simply throw away what we have shared is quite difficult for me....

But I must learn to let go, I need to let go and I have to let go, otherwise I will fall into my own ruins....well I ever find someone like you again? Time will tell....But for now, I have learn to live without you, I am been able to wake up in the morning with only a few of memories of you left, I am able to sleep in the evening without thinking of you...I am getting used to laying on my bed without someone there to say "goodnight, see you in my dreams..."

I guess I am slowly recovering now.....And I realize that life, like time, is like a candle in the wind, so delicate and so fragile, when the wind blows so hard, you need to protect the fire that keeps it alight, otherwise it well die with the passage of the wind. To keep the candle lighting the four corners of life, you need to keep it safe from the harsh, blowing and painful realities of goodbyes because if you do not know how to protect it, the wind will take away your life source and you will forever live in the dark, afraid to light the candle up again in the fear that another wind might just blow it away....

But with these lonely nights ahead of me, of sleeping alone after making my day...as I put to rest my tired body....I keep hoping that someday, somehow...I will find someone like to keep me warm during my lonely nights....

To That Place....

I was sitting down, I feel happy and I feel something was accomplished, there I was a nobody, a stranger, I live a normal life there, people do not know me. For the past 25 years of my life it was all that I wished for, a simple and normal life, a life where I will wake up in the morning and smell the scent of the grass, drink my hot coffee (except that they have hot butter milk which absolutely tasted like JESUS CHRIST!) go teach in a provincial school high up in a mountain or a state owned college in a remote areas of the hill side, where the greens are waiting for the white fairy snow to fall in winter.

I look at the white capped laden mountains and asked myself: "What is waiting for me back there Bangkok? What will Manila offer me? Will New York give me the same happiness as I felt here? What About Geneva? or London? Will they make me smile?" There, in that place, I was happy, happy because even though no one knows me, people see me as something that can be of great help, even though that I am a stranger, I can help people live better lives, mend more broken strings and at the same time live nearer the trees, closer to my real mother: the Earth. The thing between me and my dream is this green passport and sky blue color ticket bound for Bangkok. (Click Photo for a bigger view)

What was I thinking, well I was planning to strip my ticket into half and throw my passport outside the cliff and ran back to Thimpu. Go back, meet my friend(s) and sleep to the bed where I woke up. NUTS? Yes I am, but may I ask you, if contentment and the happiness of simple living was in the grasps of your hands would you let it go? Will you give up everything and anything just to have that feeling of being a human of being mortally simple? Will you do anything, even stupid and illogical ones, just to keep the things you have dreamed of in your life? For me yes I do, even carve my heart out of my chest and bargain it so that I can stay. Yes, the temptation was so strong, my urge to run away and live as a fugitive there was the loudest cry of my soul.

Unfortunately, I did not stay, I cannot stay, I know deep inside me it is wrong and I have a mission to do on my way back, not just the post training evaluation report, not just the meeting with regional high level people from different countries, I have a community to go back to, a community that will not be complete if I will no longer step my foot back. But then again the nostalgic feeling of "Will I ever step foot on this place again?" makes me want to run away back to the place where I was, to that clock tower...to that area where those betel nut chewing old men spit red saliva on the floor whom at first I thought he was suffering from hemorrhagic convulsions and that I panic in the kind intention of saving him from further harm only to discover myself being spitted on my slippers...with his red betel nut covered saliva, they looked at me and apologize stood up and went back splashing my whole leg with water.

Compassionate people, kind people, there is an air of mystery in that place, something that I wanted to unravel. Unfortunately, I did not have much time, I was only given 5 days to train some selected few there, when deep inside my heart I hoped that something will happen like the ones in the movie film, some man would come up to me and offer me to stay as long as I want. But reality sucks, it bites! And so I have to settle down and accept my bellowing defeat. I have to leave my dog, Dinner, to the mercy of those kind people who will offer food to him.

5 days was given to me, 4 nights of preparation and 1 night of discovering life's gift in that place. But I will not crush out the possibilities. I am waiting for an opportunity to go back there, I am wishing for an opportunity to be back there, I am hoping for an opportunity to stay there. There in a place high above the mountain, where the blue sea of poppies sways in the airy cliffs, to that place where the sky kisses the mountains, where the spirits run free and wild, to that place where simplicity is valued over complexity, to that place where your foot steps will echo the songs of the trees, to that place where the golden sun touches my skin and the silver moon brushes my hair, to that place where I am cradled by the mountains, to that place where I fly with the crows, to that place that captured my soul, to that place where I left my heart...To that place...to that place....

Numb....

What can you do more when a person you love is sick and you are far away from him? You got that "W-T-F" feeling, right? The feel of you cant do anything and your so helpless because you are far away.... Yeah I know it sucks. When all you can do is read long distance messages of "I am sick" and you reply "you take care", I mean what the hell! these words can't even help in reviving an unconscious man! It can't help lowering down fever, but there is one thing it can help: it can make someone feel better.

Healing is not only taking medicines, there are two types of healing: Healing of the wound and healing of the heart. When wounds are healed it sets us free from physical pain, it soothes us from the stimuli of being hurt but then again it cannot fulfill the emptiness that we have inside, the pain outside is gone but the hurt inside still lingers.

The second healing is the healing of the heart, it is the healing which medicine cannot give. The healing of the heart sets us free from ourselves, it releases us from the emptiness we feel and gives us the feeling of fulfillment. The healing of the heart may not set us free from physical pain but it surely can sustain us to live, it gives us strength to look forward for the next day. When death comes to embrace us, those that experienced healing of the wounds shy away and fear the dark gloom of dying however to those who have experienced healing of the heart death seems to be a good old friend revisiting, embracing the beauty of dying.

Healing of the wound happens when we drink medicines, we put medicines on our wounds and we are assured that everything will be okay and thus move on to our everyday lives seeking to fill the empty parts of our soul. On the other hand healing of the heart begins when someone makes an effort to reach out to you and you reciprocate the same effort by receiving it. Healing of the heart fulfills the longing of the soul, it gives you hope....

The measure of how the heart is healed is not by distance or time, it is measured by love...and how it gives you hope to wake up for the day and live, it gives you strength to move forward, it makes you wake up for the days to come because you know that deep inside you there is love, and you know that someone loves you...who maybe near or far away....you know you are loved and you fell it inside....

I hope you feel the rays of my love, even if your love for me has faded away....