Lonely Nights

I heard you ask a common friend of how am I? Well here I am still me, the poet, the writer, the thinking person less the "you", I can still manage to smile, thanks to some people who makes me smile and there out of this world jokes....but....

When you said goodbye and told me everyone, including me, are just temporary and will just pass you by was the day you won the game and the night I know you spoke the words "checked mate" on me. I sometimes feel I am so wasted, I keep thinking of those nights I spent with you, the laughs that we have, the games that we played, the music that we both listen together and even the songs that we sung.

I miss the strums of my guitar, where I used to play the tune for you. You are a very strong person I guess, you know when to let go and when to hold on but someone like me who cherish every memories shared, and treasure all the time spent.....I am sorry I can't...its too difficult to forget...and most of all its too difficult for me to forgive, to simply throw away what we have shared is quite difficult for me....

But I must learn to let go, I need to let go and I have to let go, otherwise I will fall into my own ruins....well I ever find someone like you again? Time will tell....But for now, I have learn to live without you, I am been able to wake up in the morning with only a few of memories of you left, I am able to sleep in the evening without thinking of you...I am getting used to laying on my bed without someone there to say "goodnight, see you in my dreams..."

I guess I am slowly recovering now.....And I realize that life, like time, is like a candle in the wind, so delicate and so fragile, when the wind blows so hard, you need to protect the fire that keeps it alight, otherwise it well die with the passage of the wind. To keep the candle lighting the four corners of life, you need to keep it safe from the harsh, blowing and painful realities of goodbyes because if you do not know how to protect it, the wind will take away your life source and you will forever live in the dark, afraid to light the candle up again in the fear that another wind might just blow it away....

But with these lonely nights ahead of me, of sleeping alone after making my day...as I put to rest my tired body....I keep hoping that someday, somehow...I will find someone like to keep me warm during my lonely nights....

To That Place....

I was sitting down, I feel happy and I feel something was accomplished, there I was a nobody, a stranger, I live a normal life there, people do not know me. For the past 25 years of my life it was all that I wished for, a simple and normal life, a life where I will wake up in the morning and smell the scent of the grass, drink my hot coffee (except that they have hot butter milk which absolutely tasted like JESUS CHRIST!) go teach in a provincial school high up in a mountain or a state owned college in a remote areas of the hill side, where the greens are waiting for the white fairy snow to fall in winter.

I look at the white capped laden mountains and asked myself: "What is waiting for me back there Bangkok? What will Manila offer me? Will New York give me the same happiness as I felt here? What About Geneva? or London? Will they make me smile?" There, in that place, I was happy, happy because even though no one knows me, people see me as something that can be of great help, even though that I am a stranger, I can help people live better lives, mend more broken strings and at the same time live nearer the trees, closer to my real mother: the Earth. The thing between me and my dream is this green passport and sky blue color ticket bound for Bangkok. (Click Photo for a bigger view)

What was I thinking, well I was planning to strip my ticket into half and throw my passport outside the cliff and ran back to Thimpu. Go back, meet my friend(s) and sleep to the bed where I woke up. NUTS? Yes I am, but may I ask you, if contentment and the happiness of simple living was in the grasps of your hands would you let it go? Will you give up everything and anything just to have that feeling of being a human of being mortally simple? Will you do anything, even stupid and illogical ones, just to keep the things you have dreamed of in your life? For me yes I do, even carve my heart out of my chest and bargain it so that I can stay. Yes, the temptation was so strong, my urge to run away and live as a fugitive there was the loudest cry of my soul.

Unfortunately, I did not stay, I cannot stay, I know deep inside me it is wrong and I have a mission to do on my way back, not just the post training evaluation report, not just the meeting with regional high level people from different countries, I have a community to go back to, a community that will not be complete if I will no longer step my foot back. But then again the nostalgic feeling of "Will I ever step foot on this place again?" makes me want to run away back to the place where I was, to that clock tower...to that area where those betel nut chewing old men spit red saliva on the floor whom at first I thought he was suffering from hemorrhagic convulsions and that I panic in the kind intention of saving him from further harm only to discover myself being spitted on my slippers...with his red betel nut covered saliva, they looked at me and apologize stood up and went back splashing my whole leg with water.

Compassionate people, kind people, there is an air of mystery in that place, something that I wanted to unravel. Unfortunately, I did not have much time, I was only given 5 days to train some selected few there, when deep inside my heart I hoped that something will happen like the ones in the movie film, some man would come up to me and offer me to stay as long as I want. But reality sucks, it bites! And so I have to settle down and accept my bellowing defeat. I have to leave my dog, Dinner, to the mercy of those kind people who will offer food to him.

5 days was given to me, 4 nights of preparation and 1 night of discovering life's gift in that place. But I will not crush out the possibilities. I am waiting for an opportunity to go back there, I am wishing for an opportunity to be back there, I am hoping for an opportunity to stay there. There in a place high above the mountain, where the blue sea of poppies sways in the airy cliffs, to that place where the sky kisses the mountains, where the spirits run free and wild, to that place where simplicity is valued over complexity, to that place where your foot steps will echo the songs of the trees, to that place where the golden sun touches my skin and the silver moon brushes my hair, to that place where I am cradled by the mountains, to that place where I fly with the crows, to that place that captured my soul, to that place where I left my heart...To that place...to that place....

Numb....

What can you do more when a person you love is sick and you are far away from him? You got that "W-T-F" feeling, right? The feel of you cant do anything and your so helpless because you are far away.... Yeah I know it sucks. When all you can do is read long distance messages of "I am sick" and you reply "you take care", I mean what the hell! these words can't even help in reviving an unconscious man! It can't help lowering down fever, but there is one thing it can help: it can make someone feel better.

Healing is not only taking medicines, there are two types of healing: Healing of the wound and healing of the heart. When wounds are healed it sets us free from physical pain, it soothes us from the stimuli of being hurt but then again it cannot fulfill the emptiness that we have inside, the pain outside is gone but the hurt inside still lingers.

The second healing is the healing of the heart, it is the healing which medicine cannot give. The healing of the heart sets us free from ourselves, it releases us from the emptiness we feel and gives us the feeling of fulfillment. The healing of the heart may not set us free from physical pain but it surely can sustain us to live, it gives us strength to look forward for the next day. When death comes to embrace us, those that experienced healing of the wounds shy away and fear the dark gloom of dying however to those who have experienced healing of the heart death seems to be a good old friend revisiting, embracing the beauty of dying.

Healing of the wound happens when we drink medicines, we put medicines on our wounds and we are assured that everything will be okay and thus move on to our everyday lives seeking to fill the empty parts of our soul. On the other hand healing of the heart begins when someone makes an effort to reach out to you and you reciprocate the same effort by receiving it. Healing of the heart fulfills the longing of the soul, it gives you hope....

The measure of how the heart is healed is not by distance or time, it is measured by love...and how it gives you hope to wake up for the day and live, it gives you strength to move forward, it makes you wake up for the days to come because you know that deep inside you there is love, and you know that someone loves you...who maybe near or far away....you know you are loved and you fell it inside....

I hope you feel the rays of my love, even if your love for me has faded away....

Bhutan Street Fashion (BSF)

Bangkok at a whole new level! Just went to UNESCO Reginal Office in Ekkamai Avenue and seen the people there, I met Philips a 21 year old super smart kid who is taking his masters degree in Harvard School of Public Health. Now he made us wow when he said that!

It was a long and fun meeting, with so many interactive games in between, so no matter how my friends where shitted out last every night by overdosing in alcohol we all have the energy to ran around the UNESCO compound. But as I see these guys wearing their suits, long sleeves and neck ties, I on the other hand goes to the meeting in a t-shirt, jeans and slipper and worse my t-shirt has awful statements printed on it and so everyday people wait for my grand entrance to read whats on my t-shirt print:

July 5 T-shirt print: " Hello, I'm Awesome!"

July 6 T-shirt print: "Mosquito sucks, because they spread malaria" (a more W.H.O thing)

July 7 T-Shirt print: "I am just a love machine"

July 8 T-shirt print: "I am on the naughty list"

People giggle and laugh as they read my t-shirt and give them a wink and a smile of course I have to show off my dimples (A god given gift for attracting attention). People see me as the kid who gives statements through what I wear. I realize that corporate lifestyle is fast pace and with suits that are plain boring this makes me realize that you are what you wear, and the aura of your clothes will also influence the mood of the people around you.

So always remember that what you wear also makes an impression to the people around you. Let your creativity flare and your sense of what to wear, because when you are happy with what you wear, you will not care about how people will brand you, you emulate an aura of content and happiness which will make an impression on how people will interact with you.

BHUTAN STREET FASHION

The Chaos

And everyone was confused to where they will put me. I applied for Masters in Science in Public Health major in Epidemiology, with my technical background and the nature of my job epidemiology was the best fit for me, but wait according to my entrance examination I am best suited to take higher medical specialties. So the so called "MD-PhD's" and "MD-Dr.Phil's" , "RN-PhD's" and "RN-Dr.Phil's" started to debate where to place me. Obviously they can't place me in Masters in the Science of Nursing (MSN) and worse Masters in the Arts of Nursing (MAN), I would wreak more havoc in these graduate specialties, and so they cut down on the graduate studies which mostly are dedicated for MD license holders. Obviously I can't be placed in Masters in Internal Medicine, I don't have the surgical subject background to slice a man open, I can be placed in Masters in the Science of Health Education but according to the nature of my job I don't do teaching, I can be placed in Health Facility Management but I am not working in a hospital setting, I can be placed in Asian Health Practices but I again I am not familiar with the herbology and all those alternative medicine like acupressure and worse wait until you experience my acupuncture style because it will really justify the word "PUNCTURE", ah the final verdict: Tropical Medicine, but again I am not an MD, this is a specialization. Public Health major in Epidemiology, okay they discussed it already that I am out of that course.

My entrance exam tells them that I am suited for any medical specialty course, but what kind of specialty? What is that nesting place that will best suite me as a person and as a professional?I sat there and smiled and ponder on the chaos that I caused, the headache that I brought to these poor post graduate nurses and doctors, they must need to take the pill after the evaluation process.

So I broke the history of medical science as the only engineer who jumped over to this part of the scientific world, I said to myself, hey why not? Wait until they know my history they will be shocked!

Meddling the with the Neighbor

I am the only non-health professional in my graduate course, and my classmates are all doctors. While they have a suffix MD after their surname, I on the other hand got a prefix Engr. before my name. Everyone was looking at me like I am a "Transcended Genius", a man who came from such a very technical field full of calculus, mathematical logic and all those gruesome "y=axtb" or "log (e^y+x=x^y+e^x)" kind of languages and then all of a sudden jumped to a specialized field of "bubonic plaque is caused by Yesernia pestis" or "Diarrhea is a bodily defensive mechanism that is supposed to expel germs from the intestine" kind of logic.

But whats the difference? If they are doctors then I am an engineer. I mean, we stand equal, I made the drugs and they prescribed it. Would it not also be fair if those who made it also has the right to prescribed it? We know the medicine better up to the molecular level, they are just limited to the macroscopic level. But then they look to me as if I am an alien life form, smart yet inferior. Something to be scared about, something to be intimidated with and something to hate. The program coordinator, who acts like his the king of the world entertains me with less enthusiasm (his and RN and a PhD) compared to one of the faculty who is a MD, MPSH, MPH, MSTM and PhD, he hovers around me like I am a very rare specimen in a zoology subject. I love to keep a very low profile to the faculty, I don't want them to know who I am linked with.

I am still paranoid with parasitology and this thing called Patho-Physiology, sounds so alien to me than Katy Perry's music video's E.T., Anyway this can be a new frontier in my life and to whatever be the outcome of this track I am heading all I can say is:

"Okay Here Goes Nothing!"

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I just realize I am the best failure ever born in this planet. My loss outnumbered my victory, I look around me, I ponder at my past and I keep asking myself if things happen for a purpose, then why are these things happening to me? the hardest part is looking for the explanation why it happened. I have lost so many good people, I have betrayed so many loved ones, I have made people turned their backs on me because of my stupid decisions. What is there for me in the future?WHAT?! I NEED ANSWERS! People say the answer lies within me but all I can say is "I DON'T KNOW! I UTTERLY DON'T KNOW!"

Yes, my life is running in circles now, the cycle seems to happen: I started as a nobody that sleeps and eats at the corner of the street picks a fight with the other hoodlooms from the other hood, roam around aimlessly, then people start to see my potential, they develop me send me to other places to help, then I think I got everything, fall in love, falls out of love, betray the person I love then here I am again back to a nobody....and the cycle goes on and on and on...I really hate it when I am angry, I make so many stupid mistakes....decisions I will soon regret...

I guess I am no master of my own life, and I am still a hard headed person...I refuse to learn the lessons from my mistake....Loneliness and boredom have become my companion now, I feel empty most of the time, there is nothing to look forward to the next day, no spark in the eyes, the sun seems to shine normally, the clouds pass by without magic...life has become empty again, I think silence is embracing me, and how painful life can be.... only the person who have experience loneliness can feel the nostalgic melancholy of the simple things life can bring....

I realized how valuable people are only when they have left you, I realize how important human relationships are only when you are deprived of it, I realized that laughter is more than laughter but an expression of gratitude, smile is more than a gesture of acceptance and appreciation and the human touch is more than intimacy....

Sometimes, I think, I would be grateful if I never wake up in my sleep and stay in my dreams for the rest of my life....I just got a good sleep for 2 straight days..and I dreamed of a place, a warm lovely place, like heaven, I a meadow full of brown wheat, a farmyard and a snow capped mountain, I saw a spring, birds and farm animals, I hear children's laughter, I feel happy,it was heaven....then I woke up and back to reality and I said:

"FUCK, WHERE AM I?"

~Strapped in a hospital bed.....................