I am Hero!

They say that being a Filipino is the pride of the Malay race. But what the world do not know that there is a race in the Philippines who takes more pride. When the Portuguese conquestador by the name of Ferdinan Magallanes stepped ashore the sea of Central Philippines, he saw men, women and children with tattooed skins. To them these people are criminals, "Pintados", the art on our skins where the Spaniards interpreted it as a sign of our savagery, but to the other Philippine races we are the Pintados, the bravest of all kind. Our Gods and Goddesses, which we call "Laon" have created us to guard the central and southern seas of the archipelago. For a Sugbuanon, being a Pintado is of the ranks with the highest honor and the burden of the greatest of all responsibilities: To guard our shores from invasion and to resist any form of conquest from people who sailed from unknown lands. To protect the people that we love, to stand wise and bold midst the cruel passage of time. To step behind one's personal dreams for the benefit of the people around him.

When the conquestador claimed the island of Cebu as under the territory of Spain, the leader of our forefathers by the name of Lapu-lapu, a descendant of the brave Tausug stood up and resisted.

For a Sugbuanon, bravery is not only a principle but a daily attribute, to us being in a battle, be it fighting an enemy, the time or oneself, bravery is the action of moving forward even when the chances of success are murky, as long as it is a battle worth fighting. The Spaniards have underestimated us, the Sugbuanons, the Pride of the Filipino race, so the leader of our forefather Datu Lapu-lapu, stood on our shore and waited for the enemy. The conquestadors sees us as savage and primitive, they look past upon the wisdom that we learn from the passage of time. They have under estimated the strengths that we have acquired under the scourge of the shining sun, and the seasonal drought of time. For a Sugbuanon, violence is not a solution but when provoked, we are the fiercest of all warriors, ready to die in war for the sake of our people.
The Spaniards came in with arrogance and pride, with guns and cannons, of gun powdered filled warships full of men ready to steal our treasure, full of men who have raped out women and children. But we the Sugbuanons came in with our Kampilan and Kalasags, with warriors of bolos and arrows. We may be disadvantage in this war, but for us in our tribe dancing with death is but a common play, war for us is a simple graceful dance and blood shed is merely part of the concert. For a Sugbuanon, to endure any challenges is the measure of courage, to stand amid the frailty and fear is the measure of bravery, for a Sugbuanon the heart that loves and protect is greater than a mind that thinks. And at the end of the battle, the Spaniards have failed, Ferdinan Magallanes was slain and the battle ships were burned and swallowed by our seas, all except for the Battle ship by the name of Victoria who sailed back to the western shore to tell the feat of our tribe and the failure of their Spanish men.
So from then on Lapu Lapu's statue stand guard on our shores assuring us that when a new conquestador , be it in the form of person, challenges or time, will come his children will stood up again to face the fight. Because for a Sugbuanon under the ranks of a Pintado: "The greatest honor is to protect and to die for the people whom we dearly love." I take pride to come from this race, the Pride of the Filipino race, the first heroes of land, the real Pride of the Malay race....

for me, like my forefather who have died in battle....war is but a graceful dance with death....."NEVER RETREAT! NEVER SURRENDER!"

Hey Daydreamer!

In my room I always think of somethings to divert my attention away from my past, something that well lessen the anguish and replace the anger with understanding. I am searching for that wisdom; that inner peace that will make me understand that things that are not meant for me at the present will come in at the right time, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not soon but at the right time. I am looking for that wisdom that will teach me I should not demand from life the things that I want but the things that I need. I am searching for that inner wheel that will fuel my understanding that I should not fall in love because I am lonely but I should fall in love because I am ready to commit. I was taken to a temple by a new acquaintance of mine to tame my bewildered soul. "There is something inside you that is bothering you, you must let it go." She said.

The monk who came to me was old and wrinkled, and I can't even figure out how he managed to walk. When he took my hand, I can feel the wisdom on the surface of his aging skin, he smiled to me and asked me what am I doing here, I said I have no idea. He turned to my new friend and asked her why...after a long talk with him, the old monk looked at me, and guided me to a room. There we sat on the floor and he offered me tea (which was "HOLY MOSES!" I cant understand the taste!). We talked and there he made me realize, that reality has its right time. He understood the pain inside me, He made me list down the things in my heart and contemplate on them, so I did so what he told me to do:

1."Why can't we be together?"

2."I am afraid to let go, will that person think of the same to?"

3."Was I ever loved?"

4."How will I mend the pain inside?"

5."Why is life so cruel?I can surrender anything but why am I not given the chance?"

And as I contemplate on them, small pictures where running in my mind. Pictures of my dreams about us, I was day dreaming (again) and my hopes are again up high that somehow we will meet along the road, that we will still end up meeting each other in this long journey, I smiled blankly in the air. A few seconds later......WAAAAAPPPAAAAAK I felt an intense pain behind my head, the monk hit me.."Wake Up!" he said...that is why your heart is in pain because your soul is attached to what is not yet ripe." I rolled my eyeballs, okay so it does but do I deserve the wack on my head? To heal my soul, he said....I need to heal it the way that only I can do...from there he made me realize that I am in pain, he made me realize that the most agonizing pain are those that are kept inside. So to release the pain, he made me sing.

and sing some more.....

But you know if I have the chance to tell you what's in my day dream? Both of us are talking whole day, we walk down the sunny hill and sit on the bridge and watch the river run. Both of us in my fantasy where laughing...under the rainy sky...playing under the drops of the rain..and in the night...we set under the waxing of the moon, pointing at the stars we wished to own...but then again, this is just my make believe reality...someone should make me realize that your just someone in my mind, your not real and in this lifetime, you will never be real....what more can I say but:

My Sweet Sweet Baby

I am still dreaming of my fairy tale stories, of holding hands running on the flowered spring meadows with you, wrapping you around my arms on the mountain tops watching the night skies as the heaven sparkle down on us, making love to you under the full moon sky and sleeping with you naked under the bed sheets as the snow slowly covers the ice cold air, but here I am....in a far away distance...wishing I have wings to fly to you.

I still am dreaming of walking with you under the bright sun, as I watch the rays glow on your skin, I still dream of sitting down on the bridge with you, eating "mo mo's" (dumplings). I still dream of wanting to make you laugh with my silly jokes.

But here I am lost in the busy and buzzling streets of an unknown land, finding my way back to you. Like a lost puppy, searching up and down, looking for your warm touch.

Sometimes, I feel guilty, of leaving you behind me. Sometimes I feel angry because of this distance between us, sometimes I feel sad because I can't be there with you. Sometimes....sometimes....I miss you so much like how I miss the spicy taste of emadatchi [what the hell (O_O)!].

Sometimes, I pretend to faint here and there, hoping you will come to catch my fall..but unfortunately all I got is pain all over my body.....maybe this new mental disorder is what poets called:"I miss you so much, love"....

Sweet....Sweet.....Sweet..baby...I miss your loving....

Treasures

Not all treasure glitters like gold, and for a person like me who suffers periodic boredom and melancholy. I need to be busy most of the times. Okay I got myself into graduate school, though I am not the best in my class all I can say is I am the toughest, I still got knuckles that can break hard wood you know and K.O. any stupid MD student to fool around with me..and the tongue as long as Gene Simmons (see photo to prove that!)....

Aside from fooling around, I count me treasures. But unlike the loot and bounty that those pirates are looking for, my treasure is not of the "glimmering" kind, some looks pretty awesome..some looks fat..(and ugly when you see them in the first break of day light), while other just love to pick their noses with me in public (yeah I know, cool huh? Wait tell you see us placing that finger inside our mouths).

Like the pirates of Old, I travel to different lands to look for treasures, and indeed I have found a handful, and all of them are priceless. Some of the treasures I have captured with me, some are just kept hidden in my treasure box where only I can locate. People tend to become lonely, and the purpose of their lives become absurd. People become bored and they think that life has become a routine, people become bitter because they do not have anything to share to someone. That is why for me, I am lucky to have the brightest stars in this part of the continent. My treasures sparkle more than the brightest of the stars. They keep me sane in my times of greatest madness, and they make me insane in my times of uttered seriousness.

Yes, treasures can tantalize you. gold can tempt you, it can unleash the greatest greed in your life. And I should be honest, my treasures have transformed me into a greedy beast and hunger for memories that I can tell the future generation. They have transformed me to become thirsty for adventure about what lies beyond the boundaries of human capacity.

In this lonely planet, all of us are in a journey, we are in the progress of finding our nesting place. We are travelling to find our niche, to look for that place where we can say "home" and I know you are looking for that place too, that place that you can say you belong. But as for me, I may have not reached that paradise, and I may never reach it, but my treasures showed me that even though the course of my journey is not as what I expect it to be, they can assure me that when I turn me head back I left a trail leading to that treasure box to where I hide them.

Lonely Nights

I heard you ask a common friend of how am I? Well here I am still me, the poet, the writer, the thinking person less the "you", I can still manage to smile, thanks to some people who makes me smile and there out of this world jokes....but....

When you said goodbye and told me everyone, including me, are just temporary and will just pass you by was the day you won the game and the night I know you spoke the words "checked mate" on me. I sometimes feel I am so wasted, I keep thinking of those nights I spent with you, the laughs that we have, the games that we played, the music that we both listen together and even the songs that we sung.

I miss the strums of my guitar, where I used to play the tune for you. You are a very strong person I guess, you know when to let go and when to hold on but someone like me who cherish every memories shared, and treasure all the time spent.....I am sorry I can't...its too difficult to forget...and most of all its too difficult for me to forgive, to simply throw away what we have shared is quite difficult for me....

But I must learn to let go, I need to let go and I have to let go, otherwise I will fall into my own ruins....well I ever find someone like you again? Time will tell....But for now, I have learn to live without you, I am been able to wake up in the morning with only a few of memories of you left, I am able to sleep in the evening without thinking of you...I am getting used to laying on my bed without someone there to say "goodnight, see you in my dreams..."

I guess I am slowly recovering now.....And I realize that life, like time, is like a candle in the wind, so delicate and so fragile, when the wind blows so hard, you need to protect the fire that keeps it alight, otherwise it well die with the passage of the wind. To keep the candle lighting the four corners of life, you need to keep it safe from the harsh, blowing and painful realities of goodbyes because if you do not know how to protect it, the wind will take away your life source and you will forever live in the dark, afraid to light the candle up again in the fear that another wind might just blow it away....

But with these lonely nights ahead of me, of sleeping alone after making my day...as I put to rest my tired body....I keep hoping that someday, somehow...I will find someone like to keep me warm during my lonely nights....

To That Place....

I was sitting down, I feel happy and I feel something was accomplished, there I was a nobody, a stranger, I live a normal life there, people do not know me. For the past 25 years of my life it was all that I wished for, a simple and normal life, a life where I will wake up in the morning and smell the scent of the grass, drink my hot coffee (except that they have hot butter milk which absolutely tasted like JESUS CHRIST!) go teach in a provincial school high up in a mountain or a state owned college in a remote areas of the hill side, where the greens are waiting for the white fairy snow to fall in winter.

I look at the white capped laden mountains and asked myself: "What is waiting for me back there Bangkok? What will Manila offer me? Will New York give me the same happiness as I felt here? What About Geneva? or London? Will they make me smile?" There, in that place, I was happy, happy because even though no one knows me, people see me as something that can be of great help, even though that I am a stranger, I can help people live better lives, mend more broken strings and at the same time live nearer the trees, closer to my real mother: the Earth. The thing between me and my dream is this green passport and sky blue color ticket bound for Bangkok. (Click Photo for a bigger view)

What was I thinking, well I was planning to strip my ticket into half and throw my passport outside the cliff and ran back to Thimpu. Go back, meet my friend(s) and sleep to the bed where I woke up. NUTS? Yes I am, but may I ask you, if contentment and the happiness of simple living was in the grasps of your hands would you let it go? Will you give up everything and anything just to have that feeling of being a human of being mortally simple? Will you do anything, even stupid and illogical ones, just to keep the things you have dreamed of in your life? For me yes I do, even carve my heart out of my chest and bargain it so that I can stay. Yes, the temptation was so strong, my urge to run away and live as a fugitive there was the loudest cry of my soul.

Unfortunately, I did not stay, I cannot stay, I know deep inside me it is wrong and I have a mission to do on my way back, not just the post training evaluation report, not just the meeting with regional high level people from different countries, I have a community to go back to, a community that will not be complete if I will no longer step my foot back. But then again the nostalgic feeling of "Will I ever step foot on this place again?" makes me want to run away back to the place where I was, to that clock tower...to that area where those betel nut chewing old men spit red saliva on the floor whom at first I thought he was suffering from hemorrhagic convulsions and that I panic in the kind intention of saving him from further harm only to discover myself being spitted on my slippers...with his red betel nut covered saliva, they looked at me and apologize stood up and went back splashing my whole leg with water.

Compassionate people, kind people, there is an air of mystery in that place, something that I wanted to unravel. Unfortunately, I did not have much time, I was only given 5 days to train some selected few there, when deep inside my heart I hoped that something will happen like the ones in the movie film, some man would come up to me and offer me to stay as long as I want. But reality sucks, it bites! And so I have to settle down and accept my bellowing defeat. I have to leave my dog, Dinner, to the mercy of those kind people who will offer food to him.

5 days was given to me, 4 nights of preparation and 1 night of discovering life's gift in that place. But I will not crush out the possibilities. I am waiting for an opportunity to go back there, I am wishing for an opportunity to be back there, I am hoping for an opportunity to stay there. There in a place high above the mountain, where the blue sea of poppies sways in the airy cliffs, to that place where the sky kisses the mountains, where the spirits run free and wild, to that place where simplicity is valued over complexity, to that place where your foot steps will echo the songs of the trees, to that place where the golden sun touches my skin and the silver moon brushes my hair, to that place where I am cradled by the mountains, to that place where I fly with the crows, to that place that captured my soul, to that place where I left my heart...To that place...to that place....

Numb....

What can you do more when a person you love is sick and you are far away from him? You got that "W-T-F" feeling, right? The feel of you cant do anything and your so helpless because you are far away.... Yeah I know it sucks. When all you can do is read long distance messages of "I am sick" and you reply "you take care", I mean what the hell! these words can't even help in reviving an unconscious man! It can't help lowering down fever, but there is one thing it can help: it can make someone feel better.

Healing is not only taking medicines, there are two types of healing: Healing of the wound and healing of the heart. When wounds are healed it sets us free from physical pain, it soothes us from the stimuli of being hurt but then again it cannot fulfill the emptiness that we have inside, the pain outside is gone but the hurt inside still lingers.

The second healing is the healing of the heart, it is the healing which medicine cannot give. The healing of the heart sets us free from ourselves, it releases us from the emptiness we feel and gives us the feeling of fulfillment. The healing of the heart may not set us free from physical pain but it surely can sustain us to live, it gives us strength to look forward for the next day. When death comes to embrace us, those that experienced healing of the wounds shy away and fear the dark gloom of dying however to those who have experienced healing of the heart death seems to be a good old friend revisiting, embracing the beauty of dying.

Healing of the wound happens when we drink medicines, we put medicines on our wounds and we are assured that everything will be okay and thus move on to our everyday lives seeking to fill the empty parts of our soul. On the other hand healing of the heart begins when someone makes an effort to reach out to you and you reciprocate the same effort by receiving it. Healing of the heart fulfills the longing of the soul, it gives you hope....

The measure of how the heart is healed is not by distance or time, it is measured by love...and how it gives you hope to wake up for the day and live, it gives you strength to move forward, it makes you wake up for the days to come because you know that deep inside you there is love, and you know that someone loves you...who maybe near or far away....you know you are loved and you fell it inside....

I hope you feel the rays of my love, even if your love for me has faded away....

Bhutan Street Fashion (BSF)

Bangkok at a whole new level! Just went to UNESCO Reginal Office in Ekkamai Avenue and seen the people there, I met Philips a 21 year old super smart kid who is taking his masters degree in Harvard School of Public Health. Now he made us wow when he said that!

It was a long and fun meeting, with so many interactive games in between, so no matter how my friends where shitted out last every night by overdosing in alcohol we all have the energy to ran around the UNESCO compound. But as I see these guys wearing their suits, long sleeves and neck ties, I on the other hand goes to the meeting in a t-shirt, jeans and slipper and worse my t-shirt has awful statements printed on it and so everyday people wait for my grand entrance to read whats on my t-shirt print:

July 5 T-shirt print: " Hello, I'm Awesome!"

July 6 T-shirt print: "Mosquito sucks, because they spread malaria" (a more W.H.O thing)

July 7 T-Shirt print: "I am just a love machine"

July 8 T-shirt print: "I am on the naughty list"

People giggle and laugh as they read my t-shirt and give them a wink and a smile of course I have to show off my dimples (A god given gift for attracting attention). People see me as the kid who gives statements through what I wear. I realize that corporate lifestyle is fast pace and with suits that are plain boring this makes me realize that you are what you wear, and the aura of your clothes will also influence the mood of the people around you.

So always remember that what you wear also makes an impression to the people around you. Let your creativity flare and your sense of what to wear, because when you are happy with what you wear, you will not care about how people will brand you, you emulate an aura of content and happiness which will make an impression on how people will interact with you.

BHUTAN STREET FASHION

The Chaos

And everyone was confused to where they will put me. I applied for Masters in Science in Public Health major in Epidemiology, with my technical background and the nature of my job epidemiology was the best fit for me, but wait according to my entrance examination I am best suited to take higher medical specialties. So the so called "MD-PhD's" and "MD-Dr.Phil's" , "RN-PhD's" and "RN-Dr.Phil's" started to debate where to place me. Obviously they can't place me in Masters in the Science of Nursing (MSN) and worse Masters in the Arts of Nursing (MAN), I would wreak more havoc in these graduate specialties, and so they cut down on the graduate studies which mostly are dedicated for MD license holders. Obviously I can't be placed in Masters in Internal Medicine, I don't have the surgical subject background to slice a man open, I can be placed in Masters in the Science of Health Education but according to the nature of my job I don't do teaching, I can be placed in Health Facility Management but I am not working in a hospital setting, I can be placed in Asian Health Practices but I again I am not familiar with the herbology and all those alternative medicine like acupressure and worse wait until you experience my acupuncture style because it will really justify the word "PUNCTURE", ah the final verdict: Tropical Medicine, but again I am not an MD, this is a specialization. Public Health major in Epidemiology, okay they discussed it already that I am out of that course.

My entrance exam tells them that I am suited for any medical specialty course, but what kind of specialty? What is that nesting place that will best suite me as a person and as a professional?I sat there and smiled and ponder on the chaos that I caused, the headache that I brought to these poor post graduate nurses and doctors, they must need to take the pill after the evaluation process.

So I broke the history of medical science as the only engineer who jumped over to this part of the scientific world, I said to myself, hey why not? Wait until they know my history they will be shocked!

Meddling the with the Neighbor

I am the only non-health professional in my graduate course, and my classmates are all doctors. While they have a suffix MD after their surname, I on the other hand got a prefix Engr. before my name. Everyone was looking at me like I am a "Transcended Genius", a man who came from such a very technical field full of calculus, mathematical logic and all those gruesome "y=axtb" or "log (e^y+x=x^y+e^x)" kind of languages and then all of a sudden jumped to a specialized field of "bubonic plaque is caused by Yesernia pestis" or "Diarrhea is a bodily defensive mechanism that is supposed to expel germs from the intestine" kind of logic.

But whats the difference? If they are doctors then I am an engineer. I mean, we stand equal, I made the drugs and they prescribed it. Would it not also be fair if those who made it also has the right to prescribed it? We know the medicine better up to the molecular level, they are just limited to the macroscopic level. But then they look to me as if I am an alien life form, smart yet inferior. Something to be scared about, something to be intimidated with and something to hate. The program coordinator, who acts like his the king of the world entertains me with less enthusiasm (his and RN and a PhD) compared to one of the faculty who is a MD, MPSH, MPH, MSTM and PhD, he hovers around me like I am a very rare specimen in a zoology subject. I love to keep a very low profile to the faculty, I don't want them to know who I am linked with.

I am still paranoid with parasitology and this thing called Patho-Physiology, sounds so alien to me than Katy Perry's music video's E.T., Anyway this can be a new frontier in my life and to whatever be the outcome of this track I am heading all I can say is:

"Okay Here Goes Nothing!"

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I just realize I am the best failure ever born in this planet. My loss outnumbered my victory, I look around me, I ponder at my past and I keep asking myself if things happen for a purpose, then why are these things happening to me? the hardest part is looking for the explanation why it happened. I have lost so many good people, I have betrayed so many loved ones, I have made people turned their backs on me because of my stupid decisions. What is there for me in the future?WHAT?! I NEED ANSWERS! People say the answer lies within me but all I can say is "I DON'T KNOW! I UTTERLY DON'T KNOW!"

Yes, my life is running in circles now, the cycle seems to happen: I started as a nobody that sleeps and eats at the corner of the street picks a fight with the other hoodlooms from the other hood, roam around aimlessly, then people start to see my potential, they develop me send me to other places to help, then I think I got everything, fall in love, falls out of love, betray the person I love then here I am again back to a nobody....and the cycle goes on and on and on...I really hate it when I am angry, I make so many stupid mistakes....decisions I will soon regret...

I guess I am no master of my own life, and I am still a hard headed person...I refuse to learn the lessons from my mistake....Loneliness and boredom have become my companion now, I feel empty most of the time, there is nothing to look forward to the next day, no spark in the eyes, the sun seems to shine normally, the clouds pass by without magic...life has become empty again, I think silence is embracing me, and how painful life can be.... only the person who have experience loneliness can feel the nostalgic melancholy of the simple things life can bring....

I realized how valuable people are only when they have left you, I realize how important human relationships are only when you are deprived of it, I realized that laughter is more than laughter but an expression of gratitude, smile is more than a gesture of acceptance and appreciation and the human touch is more than intimacy....

Sometimes, I think, I would be grateful if I never wake up in my sleep and stay in my dreams for the rest of my life....I just got a good sleep for 2 straight days..and I dreamed of a place, a warm lovely place, like heaven, I a meadow full of brown wheat, a farmyard and a snow capped mountain, I saw a spring, birds and farm animals, I hear children's laughter, I feel happy,it was heaven....then I woke up and back to reality and I said:

"FUCK, WHERE AM I?"

~Strapped in a hospital bed.....................

Rediscovering the Past

After a few questions of "Who am I?", "What is my purpose?" and "Why am I born?", I am back to my old self again. Reading non-fiction books, philosophy books, sociology books and discovering the most basic essence of being a human: that is relating to others and relating to yourself. I have been locked so long in the four corners of my office that I became alienated from the real world, I have been so indulged in understanding the needs of other young people that I forgot to understand my own, and I was so trapped in providing them with the required skills and technical capacity that I have lost my own understanding of what is a skill and what is a capacity.

For people who are busy, the world is a mere routine. Wake up, eat breakfast then go to work, go home then sleep. They have become numb to appreciate the beauty of the sun's warmth, or look outside every night to enjoy the moon's glow, they are blinded on the simple beauties of life as the flower on the side walk or the birds under the rain. For many of the people accomplishments, money, fame and power have become the center point of life: To control others, to extract compliments from strangers and to gain new superficial friends, they have lost the paths of searching what is the meaning of true happiness. In the modern world contentment has become more focus on materials than relationships with other people. Today the value of happiness comes with a tag price and every human relationship has a counter price.

But for those people who have encountered death, for those who have lost a loved one and have not said how much love was there to be spoken for them, some who have lost a friend or a friend to be, for those who have nothing, true happiness if more of how much people are around you to provide you more than the material support; but more on the care and understanding. The warm hugs of a mother, the wise counsel of a grandfather, the sweet newly baked rolls made by our grandmother, the laughs with a father. Have you remembered the old days? Where you simply run barefoot on the meadow, with the wind on your hair and the grass below your feet? Do you still remember when was the last time you fly a kite with a real friend? When was the last time you sleep with your mother with her hands on your cheeks and ask her to sing you a lullaby or tell you a story?

The essence of being a human being is more than the value we buy, as a matter of fact it is more than the price on the tag. It is the time we spent with the people around us, the time spent in building bridges, the time we spent helping strangers and gain new friends. Time is slow for those who do nothing, time is swift for those who are busy but to those who value life time is precious. Now for you what is the essence of being human?

Hit me....

Okay, here I am..(depression)..again...where do I need to go? Flush down the drama inside the toilet bowl, I am a simple man...if you let go then I am as easy as "okay goodbye" type of guy... We are all in the pursuit of happiness I am in search of mine as you are in search of yours and they are in search of theirs, and I can't spend my time crying over spilled milk, not unless I will kneel down on the floor and lick it (that is reserved for my dog)...okay now what will I do?...tantadadan! MUSIC!!!!

What a better way to be saved from the bullshits of depression and sparing myself from the "I hate myself drama, that I wanna die now".....than grabbing the guitar and sing my heart out....I manage to grab an one million years old artifact from my cabin. I never recalled that I was the president of our school's music club: Guitar, banjo, ukelele, laud, violin, bass, drums, trumpets, flute, rondalla...and recalled all those dots on the music notes? Those seemingly stupid pattern which you think does not make any sense....... Yeah I can read them but a long time ago...its a language that is lost to me, I am going to practice that and maybe do a guitar-laud duet with the kid named Sungha Jung....and now that I am on the go and have the space and freedom to do things I want without the restrictions of being told I will go back"PARTY!!!!!" hit the gym, just toget the lean look back ...get a new skateboard...hit the street...do gigs..and of course be the model of photo shoot...and then hitch back to the desk and do research and this time the whole world is my toy to play with.....DO RESEARCH for Asia and the Pacific....

But please be reminded that I am doing this just to save myself of the mental agonies..a self-help distraction so that by the end of the day I wont get insomnia or cry on my sleep I will just hit the bed and sleep.....so please don't come near me with that stupid sad face and the "its okay I have been depressed all my life" crap, cause your not helping my recovery.....hahahahaha

Lesson learn: "Do not equate happily ever after with distance, economy or status....do not give high expectations to relationships....people come and people go...people change....and when your mouth cannot express the words your heart feels...then sing it...."

~Thursdays with Maurons....

"Where the Wild Things Are"

When I was young, I was my grand parent's most favorite grand child but I was my family's most least favorite kid. I have heard my father shouted at me over and over again that he disowned me, that he has no son. When I was young I was the most bruised kid in my street. I have tasted all the punishment in the world. I was been beaten by a metal leash, caged in the chicken's coop, have a red hot spoon pressed to my skin, hanged upside down, placed in a sack and hanged on a tree while smoke from the small pyre are allowed to hit the sack while I am inside making it difficult to breath, I never forget the day my dad plunged my head into a bowl of hot soup, the day he smashed my head on the wall, and the day he tried to shoot me with his own hunting gun. I never forget the day my dad punched me flat on the floor and stepped on my head, I never forget the day I prayed to die as early as possible. And I never forget the day I beg to my father to kill me instead of hurting me everyday. Yes, when I was young my father loved his roosters more than me, more than his family. when I was young my father was never a father to me, only did he realized he had a son the day I left the house and only did he realize he was once a father now that he has a grand son. I am happy to know that he is tending his grand son, because this might be his way of redeeming his past for not being a father to me and in my own perspective, I think its a good thing that he is tending to his grand son because at least he will realize the joys of taking care of a son.

Maybe this is the reason why I was so violent when I was young. I love to tease and bully other kids. My school hates me because I was mean and aggressive, they hate me because I am unkind and loves to bash everything here and there. But they do not realize that besides that bully laughter I do when I make other kids cry or hurt other people, it was my own way of telling my father "Hey dad, look at me I am here..."

When I was young I was so wild that I was so uncontrollable...I bit my mother, growl at my dad, I pull my sister's hair, I cut off their dolls head and hang it on the ceiling. Yes I am also a wild thing. That in my heart I just want to shout, scream, throw things about, get angry, cry, smash everything but I can't I just can't. I can't because I am afraid to get hurt, I am afraid of being placed inside a sack, I am afraid to be fed to the red ants, and I am afraid to be hit with his belt's buckle.

But you know what? In every hit of that belt, in every tears I cried when I was a child, in every black and blue bruises painted on my skin, I drift away in my own world where I have my own friends who can understand me, it may be imaginary but at least they gave me temporary comfort, they may not be real but deep they treated me like a real person.

After I get the black and blue bruises, I run to my tree house and hide there, and drift away from the reality to a place where I have friends who carries me around and make me laugh, to a place where every kid like me called to "Where the wild things are". I hide in my own world for days to end....

I have forgiven my dad but I have not forgotten those days he took my childhood away from me, the wounds have healed now but the scars are still there and sometimes they ache. Today, I still enjoy the childish things I do, less the hitting, less the putting inside the chicken coop, less the hanging, less the kneeling on salt and beans, less the being fed to the ants.I still enjoy running bare footed on the grassy grounds, I still enjoy climbing up the trees, I still enjoy laying on the grass at night looking at the moon and the stars pointing at the tails of the shooting stars, I still enjoy the smell of the grass and the wild flowers, I still enjoy running free and wild. Yes, I still enjoy shouting names on the cliff and hear the mountains echo it back to me, I still enjoy jumping into the river, I still enjoy the cool breeze rushing through my hair. I still enjoy, eating fruits from wild trees and stealing eggs from wild birds. I still enjoy the simple childhood games, I still enjoy flying the kite.

And this makes me realize that even though I never really had a very memorable and happy childhood memories, I never loose the child in me....and I guess this playful child, no matter where we are or who we are, is in everyone of us and is just waiting for that right moment to jump and play....

~Thursdays with Maurons

Closing Time.....

"Closing Time"

I love this song....it hit the chart 12 years ago...1 year later I met Kuya Gary...12 years after I met you <(")....

by the way this photo? It was taken 6 years ago....at 12 midnight while me, mavs, kuya gary are waiting for Japs and Cedie...I remember we were talking about what we will be when we grow old and who will we end up with...Mavs smiled cause I joke that he will stay single but his dick wont....

The Call Center Agent~Trolling on Kuya Gary~

It has been a long long long time since I troll on Kuya (Big Brother) Gary real time. Everything started when I ask him how is he going to spend his holy week, and he replied, the usual BPO industry: work, so I replied.."ok kuya gary make that Unholy Week for you"...

To be honest, I am so thankful I did not end up in the BPO, the endless nights of outsourcing, the tiring nights of receiving calls from stupid clients who does not even know how to turn on their mobile phones (can we even call that trouble shooting and technical support?)... all those tiring works and the poor (and mostly as what Kuya Gary termed:"YUMMY") Call center guys are there ready to help...so here is my hypothetical overview of a call center agent, as I told kuya Gary:

Call Center Guys:

1. Always wears a coat or a sweater when in the office.

2. Always in a Casual attire

3. Majority smokes during break time

4. Majority Loiter around the restaurant in the lobby at i1 or i2 after office hours

5. Majority goes to drink after working hours

6. Majority Logs to chats and gays sites (don't deny! you surf on PR, Manjam and chat on #bi-cebu and then add them up on your face book) during free time

7. majority Fucks around during day off....

8. Majority goes to Mango Avenue if their day off falls on a Saturday night

but for kuya Gary its different, during day off he will either do one of the two things:

1. Go meet cosplay friends...or

2.Pay the taxi driver to do extra service other than driving...

But all these trolling, all this sarcasm...all these bullying only filters down to one things..I miss the memories of going out on the hot star painted evening...as the call center agents pass us by, we (me, Kuya Gary, Jap, Mavs and Lady Gaga a.k.a Cedric) will lie on the grass and look on to the night sky. We pick on each other and joke around....I guess I lost my sarcasm....now that I am older...Although I never felt alone (because I have my <(")....... ) I still feel sad sometimes to walk in the evening on the bustling cars and recall the same night when I was still 20 years old in Cebu and goofing around...the laughing and the screaming and the talks if Cedie was really sucking someone other than Mavs... The talks about Jap and his smiles..of Gary and his belly....

I really do miss those days, when I was still in Cebu, but I come to realize that I must move forward, to where my heart belong...My eyes are in front of my head to walk on not walk back...I really don't know what lies ahead of me, but as long as I am loved and happy and keeping that happiness and love to power up my life, then "go"...everything will be alright...I am looking at the horizon and I don't know what tomorrow will offer me but I will keep moving on and walk the trail less traveled and make a mark there, one small step at a time.

I remember back when Kuya Gary's mouth (filled tokwas) talks about friendship then sucking a friend's tool (okay lets make it his pseudo-boy friend's tool),

It was during these years that I realize the lesson: "No matter how your friend wants you on his bed...friendship is still way more better than sex....."

~Thursdays with Maurons

UnHoly Week, Palm (on the Face) Sunday: Trolling on Jesus Christ

Palm Sunday, and I its a good thing I am so many miles away from my province (aand tribe) or else I have to force myself to wake up 4:00 am in the morning to join on the traditional "Adlaw sa Lucay" (Day of the Palms). I remember way back in childhood, so many palm leaves are being sold and crafted to so many designs, to a point I can imagine a palm tree stripped naked, and raped until it's virginity is like pureed Tisa milkshake (one of the most disgusting shakes I have ever tasted, its sold near St. Therese Church in Lahug just a few blocks from the old St. Jude's School, now the JY Square extension (anyway you try going to the JY Square mall CR 2nd floor if you want to have a quickie fun).

Okay back to the main topic, if you can observe one single phrase that all priest will say during (Un)Holy Week: "Jesus suffered and died on the cross for our sins" and I always roll my eyeballs and say to myself "Here we go again.", I come to realize the church is a brainwasher to gain followers....legions and legions of hypocrites who goes to the church to do the drama and then after mass goes out then starts to philander around...(not to mention the priest who enjoy slapping the faces of his altar boys in the said church...I wonder if he is still there...).

He suffered and died on the cross, so what? But I never told him to do that, and in the first place why would I allow him to suffer for me, he did it on his sole purpose of being glorified, obviously. He claims to be the son of the Christian god, but his way of thinking confuses me (a lot), and he use Judas Escariot to be his scape goat,he should thank Judas for betraying him cause if it was not for him he could not have took domination over many people in the present date. Anyway, I never told Jesus to suffer and die on the cross for me and he never consulted me on the first place, and the people at that time are idiots and naive too (same as him).

I mean why in the world would you talk about a new religion to a region where there is already an existing religion? His trolling did not even succeeded in the place where he was born, same old religion...There is no wondering people will want him nailed on the cross during his time, its like talking about let's drink bitter beer in a community who only drinks plain water, If I am on my right mind I wont go "Hey ya know I am the son of God" in a conservative religion who is waiting for the messiah. He was such determined to be nailed on the cross that he step foot on his enemies grounds, if I were him I rather go to places where religion is not that systematic and start to preach there and reap the harvest of my efforts later.

Anyway, as to all those brain washed people will I don't mind them but for me, I rather use my brain than being brained washed by those altar men who slaps the faces of his altar boys, oh wait I forgot...who also loves to play with altar boys in the middle of the night...

So here are some points that I want to say:

1. Jesus did not ask my permission that he be nailed on the cross (so there is no point telling me he suffered on the cross for me, its plain stupidity).

2. He made some stupid decision by going back to the place where people hates him (Bad Idea).

3.He build a new world order in a region with a systematic form of religion (Another Bad Idea).

4.He preached a new word to naive people who are so frustrated about their politics (Another more Bad Idea).

5.He neurotic if he said "I am the son of God" in front of angry men (Another more more bad idea).

The "Kiddo" (1985-2006), just a side story

Before the vigilante "Lucifer Martinez" stepped into lime light, before people knew finest killer "Trez de Judas", before the police were looking for the "Satanic Jake", before the public knew the "Frenzy", there was the "Kiddo". "Kiddo" ruled the streets and the night, he was one of the finest in his town. Old schools call him the grim reaper, merciless and cold, he would walk on the hot, lonely nights patrolling his territory. Many young bloods fear the "kiddo", he surely is a man of words and a man of killer instincts as well.

Many stories linger around his name, some said he was a drug dealer, other said he sells weapon, some say he kills people for money and the police says his just a lone criminal eager for the public's attention. But to whatever reason "Kiddo" was one of the best known people in the underworld, he was the youngest and one of the most feared. Some say he can make the earth tremble with the shot of a single bullet, he can take down 5 people with his single knife and he can kill a man 5 kilometers away.

The "Kiddo" disappeared after the Siege of Duljo, no tracks were found to where he was after that and as to where he is now no one knows, but one thing is for sure....the "kiddo" is just around there somewhere ready to step up again.....

Until we meet again..."Kiddo"....the world is waiting for your return...

Re-Introduction

After 4 years of ignoring this blog I am back again, I got another blog from multiply: explainer.multiply.com, which talks basically the same issue here, but in this blog I prefer to have more attacks whereas the other one is more friendlier in atmosphere.

Ok let's begin the re-introduction, I am 25 years old now and while I was reading this blog I never realize that I can write such great bull crap. I will not hold you much though lets just run through some things in my life for the past few years that I have not blogged:

5. I just sat down the United Nations Regional Meeting on Special Session in Bangkok Thailand.

4. I sat down with great leaders from around the globe.

3. I passed the Chemical engineering license exam last 2009.

2.I graduated the BS (not an acronym of Bull Shit) Chemical Engineering

1. I am still Philippine's Troll King.

and while I was gone and away, I made some new friends and a handful of haters. Unlike when I was still in my early age where I fall in and out of love, I am now settled down, no more craps that love life brings....its time to get down and dirty I am getting old and the shits are getting stinkier too. With all the topsy-truvy antics that I have, it seems like the world is getting more complex as I grow older. Problems are harder to solve than the calculus equation I used to derive and damn it far more difficult than deriving equations.

Oh well, I still think that some people does not use their brains well, even though they have the capacity to think, some people are earning money while sitting down while some are earning less while working hard. I learn so many things in the past 4 years but one thing is for sure: Penguins are the only animal in the planet that can stick to a single mate for the rest of their lives.